There she was again, my dog Annie, across the room hard at work chewing up something I couldn’t readily identify. So I hauled myself off the couch and went over to check it out. Brown paper of some kind. Something printed on it. Something about a “prayer rug.” Huh?

Must have been some junk mail she filched out of the trash. She loves doing that and scattering shredded mail, catalogs, tissues, etc. all over the house. This time she must have latched onto some religious stuff that hit the can without ever being opened.

I picked up a few more scraps of paper and they appeared to be related, more of the religious stuff … oh, gag! That brown sheet of paper, printed on both sides to resemble a rug, was the actual “church prayer rug,” not just an ad for one!! And you wouldn’t believe the blessings that would have fallen upon my head if I had done with it as instructed!

Well, I was in trouble already. Apparently this precious “anointed” paper prayer rug was only being loaned to me! Crap! The dog already chewed it up! I’m doomed!! Maybe if I tape the shreds back together …

“These next 24 important hours are crucial … ” [sheesh, I don’t know when the letter came!] “Timing is important to God. After you kneel on this Church Prayer Rug [red underline] [uh, no way in hell I could kneel on that little piece of paper], or place it over your knees, place it in a Bible, on Philippians 4:19. (If you don’t have a Bible, it’s okay — just slide it under your side of the bed, for tonight, if you can. (If you can’t do this, it is okay.)Leave It There No longer Than Tonight Only! [Or???] [What if I put pieces of the rug under there instead?] God sees. Then, in the morning, it is a must that you get this unusual blessing Church Prayer Rug out of this home [or lightning will strike?] and back to us, here at the church’s chapel prayer room, in faith. We must also have this letter back, with whatever you need prayer for, printed on page two.You must get this Bible Prayer Rug back to us so we can rush it onto [sic] another family that’s in need of a blessing. [er, I don’t think another family is gonna want this thing …]

And on and on, ad nauseam. All the underlining is in red. Some of the material is “handwritten” in red. You could fill a type specimen book with all the different fonts they used. There’s a full page testimonial from a woman who was “blessed” with $45,000 after using the prayer rug. Someone else got $10,700.

Do as instructed and you don’t get to keep the “rug” but — tada! — they’ll send you a “blessed Prosperity Cross.”

There was another printed sheet, folded and taped shut. On the front: “You are holding awesome power in your hand with this sealed prophetic word …” I wasn’t sure if I should open it; big fancy type on the front warned “God Is Watching.”

Fortunately, the dog didn’t destroy the page with the name and address of the outfit church and the list of things I could mail in and request the church pray for on my behalf: My soul, my health, my children, a better job, a home to call my own, a new car, and a money blessing with a blank for me to specify an amount. How convenient!

I almost cried when I saw the “church,” Saint Matthews Church, is in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Of course it’s in Tulsa! And here I’d hoped Oral Roberts’ death had meant the end of religious claptrap in my home state. Perhaps this is some branch of the Roberts empire, seeking me out after my little rant about Oral a while back.

Frankly, I can’t believe anyone is spending money and killing trees to clutter our postal system, my mailbox, and my trash can with this kind of garbage. Not to mention what it might be doing to my dog’s innards.

And the prayer rug? After I took it away from the dog and saw what it was, I gave it back to her. She’s wise beyond her years.

Eight hours later: Apparently I wouldn’t have been smart enough to get all those blessings anyway. I only just saw this warning: “Read the enclosed sealed prophecy, only after you have mailed this Prayer Rug back to the church … ”

Guess I’m really screwed now, huh?